At what age do “the holidays” quit being something you look forward to and become something that you dread?
Maybe “dread” isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean.
Particularly when the people that you’ve spent the holidays with for years and years (and years) are no longer in your life. Regardless of why they’re not in your life, when the holidays roll around you spend a lot of time reminiscing about history, family, life, etc. Good or bad, you always have this idea about the holidays that they’re supposed to be this magical time of snow and happiness and hot chocolate and family and new socks.
And part of me is afraid that this year won’t measure up. That this year will be a disappointment ’cause of the horribleness that’s preceded it. That it will be a long, gross, cold, freezing rain of re-telling the story of how things fell apart, and saying that you’re “good” when no one believes you possibly could be, even if you did.
I started this post hoping that it’d be a good, positive one that reassured all of us that things are going well.
The thing is, things are going well. They are. I have a great apartment, great dog, great friends, and I’m doing a pretty damn good job of holding shit together and rebuilding my life. But there’s still this…I don’t know…
You know that swirly black swirling mess that appears over your head when you lose at Wii tennis? It feels like that. More on that later…maybe.
Despite everything that’s happened this year, I do have things that I am thankful for:
- I’m thankful for the friends and family that I have who’ve helped me through this.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity to start my life over again. Not everyone gets that chance.
- I’m thankful for what I’ve learned about myself, and the way that I think and feel.
- I’m thankful for the things that didn’t kill me, but made me stronger.
- I’m thankful for what I learned about trust and loyalty, and the people that I thought were trustworthy and loyal, and the people that I know are.
- I’m thankful that every day is easier than the one before it.
In truth, things could be WAY different than they are now, and I am truly thankful for the people in my life who’ve helped me through it all.